Halfway There

Posted on August 28, 2013 by scoopsontherun

If anyone starts singing that Bon Jovi, “Living on a Prayer” song I will smack you.

This countdown clock will not stress you out at all. Seriously, it won't if you don't ever look at it.

This countdown clock will not stress you out at all. Seriously, it won’t if you don’t ever look at it.

We are exactly nine weeks away from the NYC Marathon or 66 days, 19 hours 22 minutes, and 14 seconds. Oh wait, 13 seconds, or 12…ok you get it there is a countdown clock on the New York Road Runners site that is not stress inducing at all.

I am always amazed at how quickly time flies when you are finally training for this thing. It seemed like the weeks were dragging on forever when you are picking out your training plan and start adding it to your calendars that sync with your desktop, iPhone, and iPad. I think I started that at the end of May. I know that’s early but I am a nerd and slight over achiever. I like planning. Now I’m amazed that we’re halfway through the training plan and summer is almost over.

But…the halfway point also means that things get real now. Most of training for New York are now in the meat of our training plans. The mileage is getting high and we’ll be planning a couple 20 mile long runs soon and actually look forward to the weekend when we only have an 18 mile long run. Runners, we are a weird lot.

During marathon training I believe that we are guaranteed to have at least one bad long run per training cycle — sometimes two. If you have a lot more than that you need to rethink some things about your training and maybe even running the marathon altogether.

I had, what I am hoping is my one bad long run this past weekend. I was supposed to run 15 miles. I had grand plans of starting uptown on the Hudson Greenway and heading downtown and maybe over to the greenway along the East River for a bit if I didn’t feel like running back uptown on the west side. Well, I got off to a later start than planned and then I forgot my hat. My hat is essential because I seat a lot and it keeps the sun off my face. I bought a hat because it was easier than going home and started out but just could not get into a good rhythm. I felt as though I was constantly having to start and stop, well that’s because I was. Tourists, please go home.

It took me much longer to complete the 15 miles but they are now in the log book and my memory bank. Even though it may have been a crappy long run it does have it’s benefit. First, the miles are now in my system. Most coaches will tell you that pace doesn’t matter on a long run the distance is the most important thing. Check that one in my favor. Second, this is where you train your mind to persevere. Your brain wants you to go into self-preservation mode especially after mile 20 of a marathon. Knowing that fought through these tough long runs gives you that confidence boost that you can also do it on race day. Trust me, whether your are a beginner or veteran this helps.

Thankfully, this is a step down week for me with an 11 mile long run on Sunday. I like to think that Hal Higdon, the guru who’s plan I am using knows exactly when I need not just a little physical break but a mental one as well. These step down weeks are vital in letting your muscles heal a bit but also to give your mind a chance to ease up as well. There is very little thought process going on during those week’s runs. They are easy, for the most part, and not stressful. Unless you think about the next nine weeks!

Halfway baby!

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Not Broken But Just a Little Bent

Posted on August 21, 2013 by scoopsontherun

This week brings to an end the first half of my marathon training for this year. In 10 weeks I will I will be running through all five boroughs of New York City again and I can’t wait! The love I have for this city and marathon are strong.

There was a lot of uncertainty for me at the beginning of this training season, that have been well documented on this little blog. Even though I am training for my fourth marathon, this is really the first one with substantial goals attached to it.

So, with that said, let’s review those goals at the half way point!

1. I want to finish the marathon in XXXX – I never actually posted what my goal time was on the blog. I never do that. I don’t know why but I’m not going to change that now. Believe me you will always know if I reach my goal time or not. Just see all of the posts about me not hitting my goal time for all of my half marathons this past year. I have told only one other person and right now I can see myself telling one other person and that’s it. Any way, the goal is still very much in reach. Yay!

2. Train like the veteran marathoner you are and use the intermediate training plan instead of the novice one.  This plan has given me more panic attacks than I would like. Well no, that’s not true. I have brought on those panic attacks by looking weeks ahead instead of focusing on the current week.  I’m learning. I thought this plan would kill me with the weekend mileage that I have never run before but so far it has only challenged and forced me out of my comfort zone. It has bent me a bit but at this point, I think I can say with certainty that it will not break me. Yay!

3. Stick to a reasonable and healthy nutrition plan. Oh my fellow long distance runners, we all know what happens when we hit our high mileage week. We’re always hungry and want to eat every single carb within reach. My goal was to try and avoid that tendency and eat has healthy as possible and keep those portions in check. So far so good. Although I do miss those days when my long runs always seemed to end in front of a beer garden.

4. Find a personal trainer so I can actually do the strength training portion of my training plan. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I tried but just couldn’t find one who really understood runners. I was starting to get stressed about this and marathon training was about to start so I gave up looking for now. The first few weeks I did some strength training on my own and to date have done one cross training session. I will look for a personal trainer after the marathon and try to do better with what I can on my own.

Overall, I am very happy with were I am at this point in my training and that is such a huge confidence boost as I really start to add on the miles for the second half of my training.

I can also say that my non-running life has been holding pretty well during this training. This is always the hardest part of marathon training. True, it helps when the majority of your friends are also runners.

I have had a great summer filled with hugs, smiles, laughter, margaritas, wine, beer, more hugs, smiles, laughter, and more margaritas than I had planned. I am so grateful for all of these moments with some very special friends that it certainly has made up for the one crappy part.

I recently learned that a disgruntled/unhappy acquaintance decided to impersonate me on a couple of message boards a couple of months ago. One, in particular, has upset me the most because it calls into question my credibility and integrity two things I pride myself on. I was so upset that I almost gave up my social networking life and this blog. This person and their actions have cause me to lose more sleep the past few weeks than I have in a long time. The process of getting those posts removed has been a challenge but my desire to apologize and explain what happened to the person mentioned in these posts may be more of a challenge. That said, my running has helped me cope with this and stay sane.

I am definitely bent in more ways than one but it takes a lot to break me and I am very excited about these next 10 weeks!

 

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I Have a Mantra!

Posted on August 19, 2013 by scoopsontherun

I think self-help books are hoakey. Always have. So of course when I started running longer distances and I kept hearing and reading about the importance of finding a mantra to say to yourself to help you along the way. To me they all sounded pretty stupid and along the lines of:

You go girl!

You’re awesome!

You can do this!

I will not devote this post to how much I can’t stand the phrase “You go girl.” But one day if we’re having some drinks and you really want to know I will be more than willing to list all of the reasons why. But I digress.

So how did someone who is so anti self-help come to find a mantra? Poor planning that’s how.

Every year New York Road Runners holds three long training runs in Central Park. These events tend to sell out rather quickly so without looking at my calendar. About a week later registration opened up for another one of my favorite races, the Damon Runyon 5k at Yankee Stadium. Again, without looking at my calendar, I registered for the race. You guessed it, one training run and the 5k were on the same day.

At first I thought I would skip the 5k but, for this Yankee fan, turning down the opportunity to run two laps around the warning track at Yankee Stadium is hard — very hard. So with 14 miles scheduled on the training plan and hoping for a little help from the NYC subway system I decided to do both.

As I started my 11 miles in Central Park I kept telling myself to take it easy because there would be over 180 steps to climb up at Yankee Stadium. But I kept up a steady pace because it felt comfortable and as all runner’s know when you feel that good you just keep going with it. At about the nine mile mark and my least favorite part of Central Park to run in (the lower loop from W. 72nd down and around to E. 72nd.) I felt myself wanting to give in and slow down.

That is when I said to myself, “You’ve got a goal for this marathon and there is no quitting, keep running.” And that is how my mantra was born. So I kept running and finished strong.

This is what it looks like when you run a 5k at Yankee Stadium. (c) Stacey Cooper

This is what it looks like when you run a 5k at Yankee Stadium. (c) Stacey Cooper

But my day wasn’t over, there was still that little 5k at Yankee Stadium. For once the MTA cooperated and I got to the stadium in with just enough time to spare and not enough time to ponder what might happen with my quads.

The 5k was tough but I kept repeating that new mantra and again, finished strong and with a new course PR.

I don’t know if there is a rule about the length of a mantra because I know mine is a little wordy. But I like words and if you know me that mantra makes sense.

I’m still not going to buy a self-help book.

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The Century Mark

Posted on August 12, 2013 by scoopsontherun

After many years of running I finally hit a pretty special milestone and everything about it is just so perfect.

I ran exactly 100 miles in the month of July. Not 99.99 miles or 100.2 miles, it was exactly 100 miles. No more, no less. This is a milestone that I had never set out to achieve  but seeing that number sure was nice.

That magic number also signals that what I had hoped to accomplish back in May has happened. I am running more consistently by choice. Yes, I’m training for another marathon but I don’t feel like I’m being held prisoner by the training plan. Which, to be honest, most of us have felt that way at one point or another while training for a long distance event.

This is a very steep/long hill. I thought I ran up it but according to my Garmin it was more like a steady crawl. (c) Stacey Cooper

This is a very steep/long hill. I thought I ran up it but according to my Garmin it was more like a steady crawl. (c) Stacey Cooper

But…(You knew this was coming.) My first few long runs this year were very challenging. There was the heat wave, getting up early to beat the heat, and lots of hills. I looked forward to each and every one of those runs I just couldn’t stop myself from trying to compare them to last year. Keep in mind the long runs don’t match up with last year’s plan so how can I compare them to anything!?!

Then last weekend I made it back to my beloved Hudson Greenway in NYC. There is just something incredibly special about running alongside the water and getting a chance to see some of the City’s hidden gems. And maybe just getting your head back in the right place.

This route, whether I head uptown towards the George Washington Bridge and the little red lighthouse or downtown towards Battery Park, just helps get me back on track. Yes, it’s mostly flat but when I need to make sure I’m running the correct pace or not get discouraged, this is the place for me. Needless to say my long run was near perfection.

But I just couldn’t stop myself from comparing everything to last year or the year before that, or the year before that. So on Tuesday morning after my early morning run I looked at my average pace after all of those hilly long runs and started to worry. The whole “is this new training plan going to kill me?” question was loud. Very loud.

Then I made that mistake of taking out my training plan and looking at what I needed to run weeks in advance. Big mistake and enter major panic attack. By the time I got work on Tuesday morning I was convinced that was indeed going to die on a long run somewhere along the Hudson and hoping that maybe someone would find my body before I started to decompose. I forgot what got me to that 100 mile mark!

Of course I posted my panic attack on Twitter. (Who doesn’t?) And yes, leave it to the awesomeness of Twitter to bring me back to reality. One wonderful Twitter pal reminded that this isn’t my first marathon and not to panic and gave me this gem:

you can only run the mile you’re in now! 🙂

She’s exactly right. I know this, we all know this, but sometimes you just need a gentle reminder or a smack upside the head.

Then this popped up on my RunQuote of the day app on my iPhone:

“My philosophy on running is, I don’t dwell on it, I do it.” – Joan Benoit Samuelson

Sounds almost like a Nike ad but very true.

So with this past week being a step down week, I was able to take the panic down a notch and drank a lot of margaritas on Friday and ran six miles the next morning (ouch, I don’t recommend that) then ran nine miles on a hilly route and did not worry about my pace or that I was going to die. (And that was a lovely run-on sentence that I am not going to bother to correct. Think stream of consciousness.)

One of the reasons I hit the 100 mile mark was because I didn’t dwell on the miles or panic about any training plan. I just ran and it felt great.

Note to self: Stop looking more than one week ahead on the training plan and stop looking at the past years’ times. You are not going to die!

12 more weeks to go and I will not panic any more. Well maybe a little. I’ve got to run four miles tomorrow morning and that is all that matters. I’m learning.

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4 Weeks Down 14 To Go

Posted on July 29, 2013 by scoopsontherun

It’s almost hard to believe that I’m a month into this year’s marathon training but that is where I am and thankfully still in one piece.

I’ve only had one panic attack since starting this new training plan which is a huge improvement to the ones I was getting every other day before I started training.

My biggest worry has been the change in schedule of training runs. On my old novice plan, I always had a rest day before the long run. On the intermediate plan, I’ve got a shorter run scheduled the day before the long run. Most weeks, this shorter run will be approximately half the distance of the long run with exception being the weekends of the two 20 mile long runs. That run will only be five miles.

I’m constantly going back and forth and wondering if my legs will be able to handle that type of mileage on the weekends. I mostly worry about this during the actual long run and that’s probably not a good thing. But so far it has been ok. Yesterday’s long run was the first double digit long run of 11 miles. I felt pretty good for most of it, but because I don’t always plan my routes out well the last three miles were almost all uphill.

My view near W. 72nd where I stretch post long run. How can you not love this city!?!

My view near W. 72nd where I stretch post long run. How can you not love this city!?!

This weekend I plan to hit my beloved Hudson Greenway to take out some of the guess work. While it is a mostly flat route it will put back into a slight comfort zone of being able to compare my pace with previous years.

Plus, well, it goes along the Hudson River and depending on my mood I can either head downtown or uptown and just forget about the number of miles I actually have to run. It really does make these long runs bearable.

The practical aspect are the numerous water fountains and Gatorade/Power Aid vending machines. Note: Always bring quarters for these machines because the only that takes credit cards is the on by Chelsea Piers. Additional Note: Yes, I have actually purchased Power Aid from a vending machine with my credit card. No biggie or shame involved.

So far the weekly runs have been stress free. Due to my schedule I’m not able to block out enough time to handle that mid-week longer run so I have been doing a double on that day. My usual 5:00 am run and then the additional miles plus one at the gym during lunch. The plus one mile on the second run has been recommended by a few running coaches I know. At the start of the I was worried how my legs would feel the next morning with less than a 24 hour recovery but so far so good. I just have to remember that these workouts won’t be speedy.

The cross training and strength training have been hit and miss. I know I need to do these and but don’t have a solid plan or someone to push me. That is why I was looking for a personal trainer but we all know how that worked out. I’m glad I did give up the search if only so that I didn’t carry that stress into the marathon training.

I have been doing a few exercises that I have found on Runner’s World and then I found this workout that the Today Show’s Jenna Wolfe and Natalie Morales did. It’s a great workout that does work a ton of muscles, great for the runners who need to remember we have muscles besides in our legs. I did it this morning and it kicked my ass. I am going to try and keep it up and get closer to completing it in 10 minutes. It took me 20 minutes.

The next month will bring those real long runs and then I’ll be able to start gauging where  I am in terms of meeting my time goal for the marathon.

Yikes, Marathon Sunday will be here before we know it!

 

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Totally Mental

Posted on July 16, 2013 by scoopsontherun

I’ve started my third week of marathon training and I haven’t had a panic attack — yet. This is not to say that I haven’t already had my doubts about switching to the intermediate plan. The back to back runs on Saturday and Sunday (long run day) scare me a bit. Okay, they scare me a lot.

This past weekend I had to run five miles on Saturday followed by nine miles on Sunday. On my old plan, we always had a rest day before the long run and it was a rare occasion when I would race two days in a row, just about the only thing I could compare this to.

On Saturday, I was supposed to run the New York Road Runners MLB All-Star 5k in Prospect Park benefiting Hurricane Sandy Relief efforts. This was somewhat of a late addition to my racing schedule but I felt I needed to do this for the Sandy Relief fundraising. Of course it was hot and humid so I ran two miles very slow miles before the race. I’m sure everyone in my starting corral appreciated my soggy sweaty mess while we waited for the race to start.

I don’t run 5k races often, maybe once or twice a year, so this distance is somewhat of a mystery to me on how to race it aside from run fast. Prospect Park is also a bit of a mystery to me as I don’t run there often and never quite know when that giant hill is approaching. Overall I was about a four minutes off my 5k PR and considering this was really a five mile run I felt I did pretty well.

I did not feel I was doing pretty well when I started my nine miles on Sunday. Again it was humid but I at least started a bit earlier than the previous week. My legs felt sluggish and one hamstring felt tight and I started talking myself out of doing the whole nine miles. I stopped to stretch things out and that helped physically but mentally I just wasn’t there.

I kept thinking back to my previous marathon training years and remembered that the first few long runs were always miserable so I vowed to trudge on. But those negative thoughts kept making themselves more prominent. Somehow I convinced myself to break the run down into segments, not by distance because that was doing me in, but by minutes. Run at a steady relaxed pace for two minutes, keep it up for another two minutes, and so forth. Eventually, the miles were adding up and I started to feel good and get into a good rhythm. Then that is when it hit me. The thought that kept me going.

No matter if we are beginners or advanced runners, elite runners like Meb Keflezighi (Dudes, I totally spelled his name correctly without looking it up!) and Kara Goucher we all have those mental issues we have to work out during a training run or race. I’ve read articles where Meb and Kara have talked about this and that is one of the great things about our sport. No matter what our level we all share many of the same challenges. (I almost wrote hurdle and realized that would have been a really bad cliche and pun. You can thank me later.)

I have talked to several runners in my club and all of always agree that we always feel out of shape during our warm-up runs and also have to deal with the mind over matter issue during long runs and races. It’s comforting to know that we all deal with it and can relate to each other in some way.

What was even better was that this whole thought process took my mind off my miles and before I knew it I only had one mile left of that long run I was convinced I was going end after three miles. It may not have been pretty and I’m not even sure where my pace compares to other runs of a similar distance. That’s okay, it was about getting the distance completed and feeling satisfaction with doing just that. As runners we know that, it’s just really hard to believe it sometimes.

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Lessons Learned From the Streak

Posted on July 12, 2013 by scoopsontherun

I’m nearing the end of the second week of 2012 marathon training and getting used to the idea that I have two non-running days every week. One is a cross-training day on Monday (read by me as a rest day) and a real rest day on Friday (read by me as going out drinking on Thursday night because I don’t have to get up early to run on Friday morning).

It is a little weird to have these non-running days after running for 39 consecutive days but I learned a lot during those 39 days so here’s my run down.

  1. Don’t Over Do It – One of the hardest parts of the streak was learning how to run just one mile a day. As a runner I am used to running multiple miles not just one. It seemed like a waste of time to go out for 10-12 minutes and run just one mile and be done with it. So I ran at least three miles a day and threw some five miles and 10k races in between. I averaged 25 miles a week for the first three weeks of the streak. My legs got tired and forced me into running fewer miles. I never did just one mile a day but got down to 1.4 but this was more of a logistical thing of wanting to finish by my street.
  2. Consistency is Key – As runners we all know that consistency is key. If you run once or twice a week and then expect to PR at your next race it’s not going to happen. You have to put in the work and that means running on a consistent basis. This streak helped me get back into that habit and stop coming up for excuses not to run. This was exactly what I needed to go into my marathon training with confidence.
  3. Find That Long Run Pace – This is a bit of an odd item that would expect to find on this list but stick with me. When I wore myself out those first three weeks of the streak I was forced to run slower because my legs just would not have it. Interestingly enough that pace ended up being my long run pace. Your marathon long run pace should be approximately one to two minutes slower than your marathon race pace. I always have a hard time finding that pace at the start of marathon training and end up having very discouraging long runs because of that. Being forced to run this pace for a few days a week during that stretch reminded me of what that pace feels like so that I am much more aware of when I go too fast on my long runs.
  4. I Love Running – It can be so easy to forget that we really do love this sport. For a while I put too much emphasis on a few races and forgot to just simply enjoy what I’m doing. Participating in this run streak and running every day, no matter if it was 1.4 miles or six miles and not needing to think about my pace just gave me the opportunity to run. I enjoyed getting out the door every morning at 5:00 am and doing one of my most favorite things to do. I’m going try and not forget that as I get into the meat of my marathon training schedule.

So far my marathon training is going well but it is only the second week into the plan. I  have not had any of the anxiety issues I was experiencing when thinking about using this new plan. But, then again, these are just the early easy weeks of the plan. But I also know how much I love to slog through a training plan so I know when it’s all done I’ll look back and realize how much I really enjoyed it.

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And So It Begins…Again

Posted on July 1, 2013 by scoopsontherun

Today was the first day of marathon training. I would like to apologize to all of my non-running friends and co-workers in advance. You know it’s going to happen, you were hoping it wouldn’t but alas it is. Marathon training has started and this will be just about the only thing I will talk about until November. The fact that all of you still speak to me after all these years is amazing. To show my appreciation I will buy all of you an alpaca. Well maybe a cupcake. That you all have to share.

I’m using Hal Higdon’s Intermediate I training plan, a huge step up form his Novice I plan. I’m an all grown-up marathoner now and I think my training should reflect that.

But do you see what was on the plan for this first day of marathon training? Go ahead take a look. Yes, a cross training day. You know what I did today? I ran 1.4 miles for my Runner’s World Run Streak. I most likely will not do any other type of cross training, at least not this week.

I have given up looking for a personal trainer, but if you know of anyone you can send them here for a list of my needs and anxieties. I have given up the search because it was becoming too stressful and I don’t want to carry that stress into my marathon training. It seems like every running magazine has had articles about the importance of strength training and the requisite strength training routines that we can all use. I have found a couple that I like and will start doing next week, post run streak.

I am excited about training for the marathon and well just having a training plan. It was nice to have that break from after the Brooklyn Half to now. My body, and mind, desperately needed that time off. The run streak helped me get motivated about my running again and get back to being consistent without having to worry about speed work and long runs.

In addition to a new training plan I am also going into this year with a real time goal. For my first marathon my goal was to just finish. My second, was to improve on my time for the first year but no pressure and no real specific time in mind. That is also how I was approaching my third but since that got canceled we’ll never know if it would have worked.

So I’ve got a new training plan, a sort of kind of strength training plan, and a real bonafide time goal. This also means, I still have my occasional panic attack. You know how you get over some panic attacks? By talking about it. Hi co-workers!

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Things I See While Running

Posted on June 27, 2013 by scoopsontherun

I was going to write a nice little race recap of the Get Out on Governors Island 10k (GOGI10k) but I’m not very good at writing race recaps. I just can’t seem to get interested in writing about how fast, well slow really, I ran certain miles and if I’m not interested in writing about you won’t like reading it.

But I did see some interesting things while I was running around Governors Island. I saw some chickens, a baby goat, some good friends, some super excited kids running their first 100 yard dash, a cannon or two, and a really nice looking quesadilla that I ate.

I rode this quadricycle after the race with my friend Lori. We're calling this my first brick.

I rode this quadricycle after the race with my friend Lori. We’re calling this my first brick workout.

I have no idea how I actually did during this race as the official results have not been posted. Given how hot it was and that I’m still doing this crazy Runner’s World Run Streak I think I did pretty well. My Garmin, Brooke 2.0, recorded a distance less than 10k  which is similar to others I know who ran the race.

Off the island and back in Westchester I have seen a great deal of wildlife. I saw an opossum that I thought was playing dead but turned out to be really dead. That was sad. Then this morning I saw a mother deer and her baby crossing the street, a rare sighting.

I have yet to lay my eyes on a personal trainer who gets runners and I’m giving up that search for the time being. I don’t want to start my marathon training next week feeling frustrated about not finding this mythical personal trainer. What I have seen a lot of are several articles in various running magazines about the importance of adding strength training to my running regimen. They can suck it right now.

I do plan on seeing Roosevelt Island again on July 4th to run a 10k. This is the last day of the running streak and I figured since it started on that island with a 10k it should end on that island with a 10k. I’ve seen steady improvement with my running and an overall happiness with running again since I started the streak and that is exactly what I was hoping for.

I would also like to see some of you donate to my charity page for The Trevor Project.

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Why I Will Never Tolerate Bullying or Homophobia

Posted on June 20, 2013 by scoopsontherun

I was diagnosed with Dyslexia when I was in the fourth grade. I don’t think I fully understood what it was but all I knew is that within a month’s time I went from getting straight A’s on my spelling tests to getting F’s. I couldn’t explain to my mother why this was happening because I was memorizing the words I copied down from the chalkboard every week. My mother, also a fourth grade teacher at my school, asked to see my spelling list and saw all of the jumbled letters and immediately knew what the problem was. It also explained the new problems I was having in math which was much harder than my spelling problems.

While I was relieved to know I wasn’t to blame for this sudden change in my life, I certainly didn’t broadcast that I was different. But my classmates would soon notice and make sure that I knew they noticed. My language arts teacher would hand me the list of spelling words on a sheet of paper and I was given special permission to use graph paper to help me line up all of my math problems.

It was that graph paper that really made me stick out. My classmates made fun of me because I needed to use special paper and every once in a while someone would steal my graph paper leaving me with regular paper to do my homework and getting everything wrong.

Then having my own mother as my history and Spanish teach didn’t help that much either. She tried so hard to not show any sort of favoritism that she ended up being tougher on me than she probably would have been otherwise. While she didn’t tolerate any sort of bullying in her classroom she couldn’t stop what she didn’t see and never did anything when I complained to her.

I somehow made it through the rest of elementary school and started junior high school where I played in the school band and met the only other person I would tell about my learning disability. His name was Peter. He was every stereotypical definition of a nerd. He had the glasses, the clothes, and the awkward laugh. He would see me working on my math homework every day before band class and see me getting frustrated with it. One day he offered to help and for some reason I said yes. That’s how our friendship started and that’s how I eventually felt comfortable enough to tell him why I had a hard time with math.

Peter was bullied more than I ever was. People would trip him in the hallway, knock his books out of his hands, call him names, and make fun of him. I was only occasionally included in this taunting because I started playing on the school volleyball and basketball teams in eighth grade. Hit some aces down the line to win a big volleyball game or some big jump shots and things get a bit easier. But they never did for Peter.

One Saturday morning he took his father’s shotgun, went into the backyard, put the barrel of the gun in his mouth, and pulled the trigger. He didn’t leave a note so we never knew the exact reason, but those of us who knew him had a pretty good idea why. We were all asked by school administrators and the police if we knew anything about it. We didn’t; but told everyone about the bullying. I don’t think they ever believed that could be reason enough to kill yourself. There was never any follow-up counseling and never any lessons on bullying. We were on our own.

Peter’s funeral was standing room only and just about everyone from school went. I think mainly to get out of class. I know that doesn’t say much about my classmates but when 80 percent of the people in attendance made life a living hell for one of your friends you have a hard time believing their sincerity. I still wonder if any of them felt guilty for what they did to him.

I ended up failing math in both eighth and ninth grade and only got passed on because of the kindness of some teachers finding some extra credit work for me to do. I also, would never tell anyone else I was Dyslexic until I was in college.

After my parent’s divorce, my mother had a hard time selling our home and felt that I would be better off if I moved to New York and live with my grandparents until she could join us. In many ways it was great to have a fresh start but that quickly faded. I soon realized that just about everyone in this small Westchester village grew up together, if they were not outright related to each other. I made a few friends in band fairly quickly but I stuck out with my Texas accent, Texas clothes, and Texas way of doing things.

The first week of school someone broke into my locker and stole all of my books, except for my math book. Yup, the one book, I couldn’t understand any way. I later found my books and other belongings in a trash can. On occasion, I would be pushed around and sometimes pushed hard against my locker.

It was during this time that I felt like I just couldn’t take anymore and there were a few moments when I debated the pros and cons of living.

Then one day, that one person that so many of us need found me. She came in the form of a school counselor reaching out to all the new kids in school and even better she was new at the school as well. She really saved my life. For one lunch period a week I had my safe space where I could tell her my problems. I told her about Peter but not about the Dyslexia and never my other question I was starting to deal with — my sexuality. But slowly, things began to improve. She helped get my locker moved closer to my fellow bandmates and the locker theft stopped. Because I was able to open up with Laurie, I was able to make more friends.

She had to move out of state at the end of the school year and I was devastated. But she left me with just enough confidence to get through things. It certainly wasn’t easy all the time even up until my senior year when I was told by some parents they didn’t want me in some pictures because they were only for the group of kids who grew up together. Even parents can be cruel.

Like many people, I finally found my way in college. I was able to utter the words to many people that I was Dyslexic, making friends was easier, and eventually I would even admit to myself that I was gay. It was through this that I would also find my voice in activism for women’s and lgbt equality.

After many year’s of marches and petitions I decided to become a fundraiser for The Trevor Project, the only national organization providing suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth in crisis. It was in 2010 and 2011 after all of those horrible lgbt suicides were in just about every news report.

Running for Team Trevor in the 2011 NYC Half Marathon.

Running for Team Trevor in the 2011 NYC Half Marathon.

After not getting into the NYC Half Marathon through their lottery I looked at the list of charity teams and saw that The Trevor Project had a team and one of the greatest experiences of my life began. Aside from raising the money to help Trevor I met some amazing people who gave so much of their time to this incredible organization. Not only were these people raising money for Trevor but these were some of the very people who answer those crisis phone lines. For some teens out there they would be their “Laurie,” their person who would save their lives.

I’ve been thinking about Peter a lot this past year and I’m not sure why. Maybe it is because I’ve got some major life milestones coming up — 15 years at my company this September, 20 years in July when I first uttered the words, “I’m gay” to myself, and 25 years in August that I have been in New York. Or it could just be a reminder that I need to continue to fight against bullying and homophobia.

I had originally planned on waiting until I actually began my marathon training to announce my fund raising plans. But I have recently seen so many hateful, homophobic comments on Twitter, Facebook, and other websites. The ugliness of these posts is incredibly frustrating and I will not stand by and be silent about any of this. I think these have served as those reminders I needed.

I’m already in the NYC Marathon through my guaranteed entry. I didn’t need to sign up for a charity team to run this race and I never will. This doesn’t mean that I can’t make this race count for others. Once again, I will be raising money for The Trevor Project. I’ve set a modest goal of $1,500 to start off and I’ll need your help to get there and beyond.

Please help me make sure that kids like me and my friend Peter can find that one voice that will turn things around for us and save our lives. You can send the message that you won’t tolerate bullying and homophobia either. I think my friend Peter would be proud of us.

http://www.stayclassy.org/scoopsontherun

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