I’m slowly dipping my toe back into running but it’s still hard.
The fact that I haven’t been running consistently means that I’m still horribly out of shape and have very little conditioning. I am running slower than I ever have as an adult and this is killing me. But I still don’t have the motivation to do something about it.
As we’re nearing the end of spring I have started racing again – well at least finishing races. And that right there is about all I can handle right now. I’m still very pissed off that I’ve let this happen to me and just as pissed off that I’m beginning to accept that finishing is just fine. I’m beginning to accept that I may never get a PR again or even come close to my old ones. I’d like for just a bit to find the drive to push myself to work harder and get focused on getting in shape again.
There have been more false starts in this than I would like. I’ve tried running in longer distances hoping that it would give me the motivation to actually train. No luck. I’ve hoped that running in these races would get me motivated. No luck. I’ve tried doing a run streak to see if that would keep me motivated. No luck.
Part of the problem is that I don’t have anyone to train with. It’s hard to find someone who runs or is willing to my pace or do a run/walk as I find my way back. Even though I’m in a great running club we all have various training goals and mine doesn’t really fit in with others right now. It’s lonely out there and I greatly miss having a regular running buddy.
But as I mentioned above, I’m still doing these races. In early May I ran the Philly Broad Street 10 Mile Run. This race had been on my “to do” list for some time and this year just seemed like the right time to do it. Up until this point, I had not finished a race since the Miami Half in January. That entire weekend I had a lot of questions about my conditioning and about how long it would take. My goal, a realistic one, was just to finish. The race proved how out of shape I’m in and slow I’ve become. But I was glad I did it. I had nice weekend and got to spend some time with a good friend that weekend. One day, when I’m in better shape I would like to do this one again. It’s a great, quick trip from NYC and I loved how the Philly community came out to support this. Plus cheesecakes!
In between this, I did the Brooklyn Half Marathon. Still just as slow as Philly and angry at myself for being that slow. It rained hard during my least favorite part of the race and I was an emotional wreck afterwards. It was perhaps my lowest point ever as a runner and all I kept thinking was, “I’m slow and fat.”
Two weeks after this I headed to San Diego for the Rock ‘n’ Roll San Diego Half Marathon relay. The one and only reason I was looking forward to this was because my best buddy was celebrating her birthday on race day and we ran the relay. I wanted to run the race better and faster for her. I wanted to give us a really respectable time but I just couldn’t. I’m still slow and fat. But on the whole, this was a fantastic trip and I’m so glad I did it and don’t regret it.
Now I’ve got to figure out a way to get serious and motivated about running. I’ve got plenty of races coming up and I need to start training for the NYC Marathon soon. I cannot do that without being in the right mind set.
Just a brief update on what I’ve been up to. I miss you blog.