This blog is about running and that’s what I’ve always wanted it to be about. For me, it has been a way to talk about something that I love so much and share that passion with others. But lately I just haven’t had a passion for it or much for anything else. You see, I suffer from seasonal depression and another form of depression that I won’t go into details about here. But I do want to share what things have been like for me lately as I try to get through this phase.
As the fall season begins to fade away I only half jokingly say that the doom and gloom of winter is upon us. The not joking part is that for me it really is doom and gloom. All I see throughout winter and most of spring is gray. I never see color, ever.
No matter what I try to do to prepare for it I never succeed in overcoming it. Some years are a bit better than others while some are worse that others. This is one of the worse years. Even with medication I can’t seem to beat it.
Probably the best way for me to describe how this feels is that I’m walking along a gray corridor and the ceiling is barely above my head. But it’s not a hard ceiling or it’s more like a blanket, something that you would think you could easily break through or push out of your way. But it’s like someone or something is holding that blanket tight at the corners so that you can’t get out from under it. The more you struggle the more tangled up in the blanket you get and the harder it gets to get out from under it.
In the past I have been able to lessen the effects through my running but right now my running is only adding to my struggle. I’m trying to run when I feel I can but most times I can find an easy excuse for not running. And here’s the catch, being active and moving does help. The problem is that darn blanket prevents me from getting motivated.
When you seek help from professionals one of the things you try to learn is accepting little things as accomplishments. These accomplishments take the form of getting out of bed and going to work, following your daily routine, making meals, and so forth.
Now let’s throw in my anxieties. For the most part I can keep them at reasonable levels but when things on my to do list that should be easily accomplished can get completed my anxiety levels start going escalating and get more depressed because I can’t accomplish simple tasks.
I’m doing my best to not isolate myself but it’s hard because I can’t always just fully be in the moment right now. When I’m home by myself I am often crying.
It’s very hard for me right now so please understand if I do withdraw a bit. I may not post anything to blog for a while or be on Twitter or my personal page on Facebook. But if and when I do, I hope you’ll still be around.